“If you shield a mountain from the windstorms, you’ll never see the beauty of the carvings.”
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
I thought this quote was a good perspective for parenting. Often times parents want to keep their kids from making “mistakes” or “poor choices” ~ windstorms in their own right. Whether these are with friends, school, temptations, boyfriends, girlfriends, sports or other areas of life, it seems to become most parents’ mission to shield their kids from these.
As an adult it is easier to see, both from an outside perspective and also based on our own experiences, the impact of mistakes and poor choices. Some examples kids make are:
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poor friend choices ending with a circle of people they don’t fit in with;
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procrastinating biting them in the backside;
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being disorganized leading to missed opportunities;
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giving half effort ending with the perception one is lazy;
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lack of actions today create poor habits for tomorrow;
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we ‘live up to’ the expectations we set for ourselves and sell ourselves short when we simply do the bare minimum.
I think we can agree these are surely possibilities of mistakes or poor choices kids make that we’d like them to avoid.
What tends to happen when we try to protect our kids from mistakes though, is instead of protecting, key relationships are damaged. There is such animosity created and anger built when kids feel they can’t make choices. I am not a proponent of parents trying to be their kid’s best friend either, which tends to be the other end of the spectrum, where, “Yes!” is always the answer. These parents tend to let their kids do “what everyone else is doing” to avoid conflict. Both ends are unhealthy for kids and parents and this critical relationship.
Having a positive, healthy relationship with your child, where mistakes are acknowledged as okay and necessary, is where I think kids thrive and parents can breathe easier. Some key ingredients for healthy relationships are
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strong boundaries
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good communication
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consistency
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mutual respect
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compromise
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trust
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taking responsibility
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compassion
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love
That kind of relationship doesn’t simply happen. It takes time and conscious effort. And is less likely to happen if your main focus is on keeping your kids from making mistakes or protecting them from the windstorms of life! Kids need you to walk beside them, guide them, believe in them, inspire and cheer them on and be willing to help them up when they fall. And they WILL fall, if you let them!
Too often though, parents fear of judgment from others (or each other or themselves) or wanting to fit in with other parents, dictates decisions they make. No parent wants their child to hurt, be taken advantage of, miss opportunities or suffer harsh consequences of their choices. But this is how we learn! From our mistakes. From the very windstorms we shelter kids from.
We say to kids starting in kindergarten, that mistakes are okay and a part of learning. But at some point, we shift this to wanting to keep them FROM making mistakes. And many kids have told me they feel like they have to be perfect, they feel bubbled, too sheltered or smothered. They don’t believe their parents ARE okay if they make mistakes. One kiddo shared she was told, “try not to forget” when she made a mistake. And it further reinforced to her that she wasn’t enough — not only for herself, but also for her mom.
These lead kids to a false sense of needing to be perfect. Anxiety. Lacking trust in one’s self or parents. Anger. Resistance. Giving up. Self doubt. Lack of confidence. And I can tell you these kids attach being loved with not making mistakes.
Kids will make mistakes. Sometimes leading to unfortunate circumstances. None of us is free from experiences we look back on and wish we’d decided something else or taken a different route or not had a tough lesson or two.
But I think we can agree there is absolute beauty in the effects windstorms have on mountains. Just the same, we are a product of the many storms we’ve faced that have shaped us into who we are today!
I hope you will take some time to reflect on how often you allow your child to face the windstorms of life, in order for them to find (and create!) their own inner and outer beauty!
Mountains are absolutely strong, despite the carvings strong winds have created. I believe kids who face tough circumstances, knowing their parents love, guide and support them, create an inner strength that allows them to be stronger than they would have imagined. In today’s world, kids need incredible inner strength to face all life throws their way.
Those beautiful mountains…strong kids will move them to reach their dreams! But they need to have weathered a few storms, in order to build that inner strength and resilience.
Let your child face some windstorms (with your love!). It doesn’t mean you are not a good parent. It means you understand the power and beauty that only mistakes can lead us to.
