A Compassionate Approach to One of the Hardest Parenting Decisions
When your child is struggling with substance use, one of the most painful and confusing questions you may face is:
“Should I kick them out?”
There’s no easy answer. No perfect formula. And certainly no one-size-fits-all approach.
But what I know for sure is this:
This decision deserves more care, more love, and more thought than what society often tells you.
We live in a world where phrases like “Don’t enable” and “They need to hit rock bottom” are thrown around without considering the consequences.
The idea of “kicking someone out” is often rooted in stigma and fear. And it can leave parents feeling stuck, ashamed, or afraid to trust their instincts about what’s right for their family.
Let’s talk about a different way.
Words Matter More Than We Realize
When we think in terms like “kick them out,” our nervous system goes into battle mode. We brace ourselves for conflict. We prepare to “win”. But in battles, someone always loses. And if we go in trying to win, that often means our child loses.
But when we shift from confrontation and punishment to collaboration, we open up space for something better. Something rooted in both love and clarity.
I’ve Been There
I used to believe that if I made my daughter, Helanna, too comfortable or made life too easy, she would never recover. I treated her in ways I would never treat anyone else and it hurt us both.
The people who told me to use tough love? They’re out there living their lives. But I’m the one who has to live with the regret from and consequences of the decisions I made from fear or pressure.
That’s why I share all of this with you, because the more information we have, the better equipped we are to support our kids and ourselves.
Things to Consider Before Making a Decision
Here are some of the most important questions I encourage parents to ask themselves:
1. Is there violence or a serious safety risk?
Safety has to come first.
If someone in the home is being harmed or threatened, safety has to come before anything else, and that includes your child’s safety, too. Asking them to leave in this situation isn’t about punishment. It’s about protection. And it’s okay if that means they need to live somewhere else.
2. How is this affecting the emotional and physical health of everyone in the home, including your child?
Sometimes having your child in the home doesn’t feel safe emotionally. Maybe your younger kids are anxious. Maybe you’re constantly on edge.
And sometimes, it’s not even good for your child either. They might feel judged, isolated, or trapped which can make things worse, not better.
Chaos doesn’t always mean they have to move out though.
Sometimes it means you need new tools. Communication tools. Emotional regulation skills. A new way of setting boundaries rooted in what you can control rather than trying to force change.
3. Am I making this decision from fear, guilt, or pressure?
So many parents are told that if they let their child stay, they’re “enabling.”
That “rock bottom” is the only thing that will change them. That making things easier means prolonging suffering.
But advice rooted in fear, pressure, or shame can lead to deep regret.
Pause and ask yourself:
- Am I making this decision from a place of fear or from love and clarity?
- Am I doing this because someone told me I “should”?
- What would I choose if I felt fully empowered and supported?
Decisions made from fear rarely bring peace.
Decisions made from love and careful thought are the ones you can live with.
4. If they do need to leave, how can I do this with love and integrity?
If after reflection and support, you decide your child can’t stay in your home right now this doesn’t have to mean “kicking them out.”
It can mean creating a transition you can live with. One that honors their dignity and your values.
What this can look like:
- Be clear and calm about why this decision is necessary
- Focus on protecting everyone’s well-being not just enforcing rules
- Offer alternatives if possible: a family member, treatment, safe housing
- Express love every step of the way:
“I love you. I want you to be safe. I can’t provide what you need here right now, but I’m still your parent and I still love you.”
You don’t have to control the outcome. But you can control how you show up with compassion, integrity, and love.
Honor Your Values. Honor Their Autonomy.
Your child has the right to choose their own path even if it’s not the one you’d choose for them.
But you also have the right to create a home that aligns with your values and feels emotionally safe.
You don’t have to give up either one.
You can set boundaries from love, not fear.
You can make hard decisions that still reflect your heart.
And you can do it all in a way that you’ll feel proud of later, even if it was painful in the moment.
I made a full podcast episode about this subject. You can listen to it using the link below or search for the Living While Loving Your Child Through Addiction podcast on your favorite listening platform.
