Are there people in your life, precious friends once upon a time, that you have lost touch with?
Losing touch with good friends is on the list of death bed regrets, up there with living true to ourselves and not spending too much time at work.
Think about someone who you might have fallen out of touch with. Someone who at the time when you knew them well, you could never imagine them not being in your life.
But sometimes life happens, time passes, the connection lessens. Perhaps they were the ones to not return the call and so we put the onus on them to re-establish the friendship. And then more time passes, they slip out of mind, new people come into our lives. Maybe a grudge has come between you, more on that from last time.
Sometimes we let our busy, messy lives get in the way. We get caught up in what is right in front of us, pressing in at this moment and keeping us distracted, preoccupied, busy. Those might be good and valid things.
But on your death bed, it is too late to look back and wish we had invested more in friendships.
Losing touch with good friends is not inevitable in life’s busyness.
Life is busy, and our priorities change with different seasons. This is not to induce guilt or add to an already busy life. But it is good stop and think about friendships, what they mean to us, and how to give them the time and effort they deserve.
It might be that we have lost touch with friends from earlier seasons in life. When we stop and reflect on that person, we realise that we miss them – how they make us laugh, or the way they understand us like no one else. We miss the connection our shared history brings.
Chances are, they may be feeling the same.
Friendship is too important to take for granted.
But sometimes our pride or stubbornness gets in the way of us getting back in touch. We put it on our mental “must get in touch with so-and-so” list where it stays and festers. And then we get to the end of our lives and look back and regret that loss….
If the Covid pandemic taught us anything, it was not to take anything or anyone for granted. To really value the good friends and important relationships in our lives, and take the time to tell them that they matter.
Talking with a group of students, we oldies were observing that friendships formed in student days, in that intense bubble, can often last a lifetime, if properly maintained. This weekend sees us re-connecting with precious friends who live some distance away – seen rarely, but the connections of three decades are so strong that they are quickly re-established. It has not always been thus – I have had friends slip just to the brink of near-permanent loss of the relationship, and realised with a start that I need to make amends.
Listen more, talk less.
How we reconnect and how we show up when we are with our friends matters too. Sometimes we can focus too much on sharing our own stories and getting our view point across. If we are listening autobiographically, we are listen with a view to responding. We listen thinking of and wanting to share our own experiences, perhaps only listening to what we think they are saying based on our own views. We interpret what the speaker is saying through our own filters, and therefore make judgments accordingly. This can shut down conversations and harm friendships.
Instead, listen with a view to understand.
We listen with openness, curiosity and without judgement, seeking to get under the person’s skin and see things from their point of view. To not only hear their words, but hear the emotions behind the words. We pay attention to their body language and give them space to express how they really feel. More on that here, and the Seven Habits book that first introduced this terminology.
The person being listened to feels heard, understood and therefore valued and of worth. This is such a gift to our friends. Don’t add not listening well to end of life regrets.
So be the first to call that lost friend. Get back in touch, and remind both of you how significant and special the relationship you share is. Identify, work through and let go of any grudges getting in the way.
Don’t get to the end of this year, this decade, your life and regret losing touch with good friends.
