Let’s be honest, when you’re frazzled, that’s when you snap, isn’t it? We’ve all been there – walking through the front door, expecting a semblance of order, only to find chaos.
One mum at a Mum Boardroom meeting recently shared her frustrations: “I can’t bear it when I come home, and the table is still cluttered, no one’s swept, the dishwasher’s unstacked – it ruins my evening. I even wrote a list before I left, spelling out exactly what needed to be done. But when I got back? Hardly anything had been done.”
And then, as if on cue, her husband says, “But we were cleaning out the guinea pigs’ hutch tonight.”
Cue the deep sigh. It’s maddening, right?
But here’s the thing – how we communicate in these moments is critical. The frustration we feel is often rooted in a familiar belief: Here we go again. We’re stuck in a loop, reacting the same way over and over. This is where the concept of saboteurs comes in – the internal habits that hijack our responses and feed into those conflict cycles.
Saboteurs at Play: Why We React the Way We Do
We all have what I like to call “saboteur muscles.” They’re the ingrained habits we’ve developed over time, the ones that trigger the same unhelpful reactions. They’re strong because they’ve been flexed *a lot*. So, when you snap over the unstacked dishwasher, that’s your saboteur at work.
- Avoider Saboteur: You might be tempted to avoid the conversation altogether. But here’s the thing—avoiding conflict doesn’t make it go away. It often leads to a lose/lose situation because the issue remains unresolved.
- Pleaser Saboteur: Perhaps you don’t want to rock the boat, so you focus on keeping everyone else happy. They win, but you lose—and the resentment builds.
- Stickler Saboteur: Maybe you’re like my friend, whose husband *will* do the chores but not straight away. Cue the Stickler saboteur, who insists it has to be done now, exactly how you want it, or it’s not good enough.
But here’s a reframe – what if the conflict itself is an opportunity? Rather than resenting it, could we learn to embrace it? After all, we’re going to face conflict – it’s inevitable. The key is in how we handle it.
Conflict as a Tool for Growth
It’s not just about avoiding the blow-up or biting your tongue. It’s about recognising that conflict is a chance for growth, both for you and your relationships. Imagine walking through that door and seeing that some of the chores have been done. Rather than zeroing in on what’s missing, what if you took a moment to celebrate what *was* done?
It sounds simple, but it’s not. Our saboteurs make this hard because their muscles are so strong, while our Sage muscles – the part of us that embraces curiosity, compassion, and calm – are often underused.
But, here’s the magic: just like saboteurs, sage responses are contagious. If you meet conflict with a calm, compassionate approach, your family, friends, or colleagues are far more likely to mirror that energy back to you. It’s all about choice – choosing your response, rather than giving your power away to your saboteurs.
Practical Tips: Strengthening Your Sage Muscles
So, how do we go about it? In the heat of the moment, when you’re ready to snap, try this: tune into one of your five senses. It could be the sound of the kettle boiling or the feeling of your feet on the floor. Shifting your focus to something tangible can be enough to stop your saboteurs in their tracks and allow you to respond how you *want* to respond.
It’s not about getting it right every time – conflict will still happen. But with a bit of practice, you can weaken those saboteur muscles and strengthen your Sage. And the real beauty? When we’re better in our relationships at home, we’re better in our relationships at work. You’re learning tools that apply to *both* areas of your life.
In the end, it’s about choice. Are you going to let your saboteurs dictate how you react? Or will you step into your Sage and respond with calm and intention? It’s empowering when you realise the choice is yours.
From Frazzled to Focused
Ready to stop snapping and start growing through conflict? Join the Mum Boardroom—a space where we get real about the everyday challenges of being a mum, relationships, and everything in between. It’s where we unpack our saboteurs and learn how to respond with strength and grace, together.
Apply HERE, and let’s start shifting from frazzled to focused.
