“Always be nice.”
I think this is one of the most misunderstood statements our parents and teachers have told us through the years.
I mean, if you were like me, I used to interpret that as you always have to obey others, conform with the norm and say yes to everything thrown at you.
It didn’t help that statement was further reinforced with punishments when not observed accordingly based on the expectations of others.
You see back then I equated being nice with having no boundaries and pleasing others all the time so I can get the validation I wanted.
And looking back, it didn’t do me any good at all.
In general, people pleasing makes you forget your own value as you struggle to meet the needs and wants of others while setting aside your own.
This leads you to believe that validation can only come from external sources e.g. family, friends, significant others or even random strangers which make it totally unhealthy and unsustainable as you drain yourself in the process.
In the same regard, unknown to many, people pleasing also amplifies one’s ego, making a person think that he “actually looks good in the eyes of others as he does what is right and due”.
No truth to that at all.
So now, I would like to clear the definition of being nice.
Being nice means giving yourself what is due so you can do the same for others without compromising your self-worth.
There I said it.
Now, if you’re having a hard time letting go of people pleasing, here are 5 ways to help you do so:
- Remember that you can be kind and have boundaries
Kindness is a two way street. Give yourself what you’re willingly giving others. Being kind to yourself means acknowledging your own needs and wants without feeling guilty, so you will be able to whole heartedly provide for others coming from a space of inspiration instead of obligation. After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
2. Allow yourself to disappoint others
Hear me out on this: if disappointing others means you are able to give yourself the kind of love and care that you deserve, so be it. At the end of the day, you don’t want people to stay in your life just because they benefit from you. Check on the relationships you keep — who are really there for you through thick and thin? Those people will understand if you choose to attend to your personal needs as well because they value you outside of what you can do for them. Also, in general, audience impact is only 10% in any criteria for judging so don’t worry about not getting the nods of others who don’t deserve to be in your space. Haha!
3. List down the things that make you feel good about yourself
As we focus too much in pleasing others, at times we forget how amazing we are. So it’s best to create a list of your achievements, skills and talents and include anything and everything else that makes you appreciate yourself more. You are far valuable than you can ever imagine and as you come from a space of self-worth, you do away with the need to get any validation from others there after. There is so much power when you affirm yourself.
4. Surround yourself with people who are genuinely there for you
Be with people who treat you like you genuinely matter. They are the ones who can inspire you to keep moving forward when saying NO becomes tougher than usual or when you see yourself falling into the spiral once more of people pleasing. Have people check in on you and be sure to be brave and humble enough to seek help when needed. You deserve to be seen, heard, felt and celebrated as you are. Never forget that.
5. Invest on yourself and your growth
Oftentimes, we find ourselves wanting to compensate for our own insecurities by pleasing others, hoping that their approval will make our self doubts go away. However, that isn’t exactly the case. Dealing with your own insecurities so they don’t take the lead in your relationships is imperative. This simply means that you should be willing to work on yourself as you invest on your self and your growth. How can you take care of yourself better? What do you need in order to grow more? Whether it’s a time off from everyone around you, or learning a new skill or finally deciding for yourself…do it. That way, you get to discover and become your own #bestmeever regardless of what others may have to do or say. You don’t need their approval anyway.
To know your true worth, you don’t have to please people to get their validation.
You just have to inquire within and appreciate yourself as you are.
You matter. Always. In always.
