When we bury emotions, they do not go away. This is what I was musing on last time, inspired by the fabulous Disney Pixar Film Inside Out 2.
Acknowledging, sitting with and accepting our emotions is really important. But – and this is the kicker – it can be uncomfortable at best and beyond deeply distressing at worst.
How do we regulate our emotions once we have identified them?
Because otherwise we risk being consumed by how we feel and ending up in a sobbing jelly heap in the corner. Not useful for functioning in day-to-day life.
[Important disclaimer – I am not talking about the severe emotions or the emotional impact of trauma here. That is completely beyond my training and scope as a life coach. Please seek professional help from an experienced counsellor if you identify with this or want a safe space to help you process emotions that have been buried or that are causing difficulty.]
I find that I am reading more and more about our brains and our emotions, and are increasingly bringing these concepts into my coaching.
Because our emotions are so significant in determining what we think, and this then informs our choices and behaviour.
The first thing to identify is that –
emotions themselves are neutral.
They are neither good nor bad, they simply are. What we do with them can be problematic, but I am learning how important it is to make space to identify how we feel, to own it and let those emotions have their moment.
…I miss my friend. I feel sad.
…This person let me down. I feel disappointed and angry.
…There is a lot of change in my circumstances. I feel overwhelmed and vulnerable.
…This is what I hoped for. I feel excited.
…This has not been valued as I hoped, and I feel irritated and resentful.
…The future is uncertain and unknown. I feel anxious and afraid.
This is the first step to learn how to regulate our emotions:
We name and acknowledge how we ARE feeling.
And we do so without judgement. The fabulous teacher at the Pilates class I attend says this all the time –
Notice, but don’t judge.”
So helpful, so freeing, so much self-kindness. When we judge, we shut down possibility thinking and become trapped in shame, fear, negative thinking. This does not serve us well and makes constructive change very difficult.
But when we can notice without judgement, we can be more objective and rational and choose to take more control of what is going on in us. Remembering that emotions themselves are neutral helps us to accept them – we can see them for what they are, allow them to wash over us.
Furthermore, we can identify that they are trying to tell us something that we need to pay attention to. This helps us as we learn to regulate our emotions.
Create space between how we feel and our reactions.
This is the crucial next step – having noticed how we ARE feeling, we give ourselves space to acknowledge that and pause for a minute. That pause allows us to think more rationally. I love this idea, from PsychCentral:
Emotional regulation is a practice of cultivating a sacred buffer of time between feeling the emotion and your reaction to that emotion. For example, pausing to collect your thoughts before you respond.”
Easier said than done you say.
Yes, I completely agree.
When we feel anxious, or angry, or sad we can easily get swamped in those feelings. But when we choose to pause and take a few calm, deep breaths, we allow our emotions to calm and our rational selves to take more control.
As a physiotherapist (physical therapist) we would use deep breathing exercises to prompt relaxation and to help patients regain control of their bodies. This is familiar territory to me.
Simply sitting calmly, breathing deeply and slowly for a couple of minutes really works to regulate our emotions and calm our racing heart. There are some brilliant tips and exercises here from the British Heart Foundation if you want more on this.
We can then ask ourselves two useful questions:
How do I WANT to feel?
Perhaps I want to feel more grounded and present to what is going on NOW, rather than fearing what might or might not happen tomorrow. Perhaps I want to feel grateful for my friend as well as sad at missing her. Or I might want to let go of anger and bitterness and not be consumed by it, feeling free instead.
Having identified, or started to identify how we want to feel, we can then ask question number two:
What CAN I do?
This is one of my favourite questions. It serves to shift us from feeling passively out of control (“I can’t, I’m not, I’m stuck, I’m overwhelmed”) to proactively in control.
We can then take a simple next step – go for a walk, write down what is in our heads and hearts, have a drink of water and a snack, phone a friend. But we are back in control, rather than sitting on that landmine of suppressed emotions.
We may not have solved the problem, nor changed the situation. But we have taken a powerful step to regulate our emotions and that feels good.
