We have all had that boss who we promised that we would never be – we want to be kind, compassionate, and understanding, we want to bring out the best in our team, for them to fulfil their own potential. But what is the best way to do this without feeling like they are going to take advantage and not get the work done?
Surprisingly, often the starting point is with you as a leader and not them as team members! There have been many times that I have been brought in to coach a team or a team member who is ‘not performing’ but more often than not, the root issue lies with the leader, the relationship and culture that they have innocently created that undermines performance rather than supporting it.
Often, we don’t connect our own personal confidence in affecting those that we lead or come into contact with. But when we did a little deeper, it’s those beliefs that we have about ourself and those around us that are the cause. Understanding how we create confidence (or lack of it) can be transformative for our relationships, which in turn impacts how we, and our team or those around us, behave and perform.
Dispelling The Myths Around Confidence
One of the biggest myths that I love to dispel is that you can lose confidence. It’s because of this myth, many women feel like we have to ‘fake’ confidence, put on a ‘game face’. So we push ourselves whilst simultaneously shrinking inside, we spend our time wondering when we are going to be found out for the fake that we are, scared that people might find out that we are wracked with self-doubt and fear.
What if you naturally had an abundance of confidence, that can’t be lost, but that because you were buying into the fearful and insecure thoughts, it felt like you no longer felt confident? Reflect for a moment on the insecure thoughts you may have? Perhaps you think that you don’t know what you are doing? Or that you don’t have sufficient experience or that someone in your team is older or wiser than you? How does that thought make you feel? I’d hazard a guess that it makes you feel bad! This is how we create the experience of ‘not feeling confident’.
These insecure thoughts rarely have foundation or truth in them, yet we repeatedly believe them, even though they make us feel unsure, worried or fearful. An interesting exercise is to reflect on the insecure thoughts that you have, be curious as to how truthful a thought is, and if it isn’t, pay less attention to it. Notice how much more confident you start to feel as you pay less attention to the doubtful thinking.
Discovering The Source of Being a Confident Leader
When we start to pay less attention to the insecure thinking our minds naturally become quieter – even in the busiest of minds – and we will begin to feel more naturally confident and grounded. It is at times like this that we may experience a different quality of thought, something that feels fresh, but has an air of sense and consistency about it.
If you’ve ever had a gut feeling you will know what I’m pointing too, that unshakeable thought that simply ‘knows’, it has no drama attached, no catastrophe, it is straightforward, unarguable and often feels like a good dose of common sense.
It may surprise you to know that human beings have access to a deeper wisdom, an innate intelligence. You may have experienced it, you may have had a light bulb moment, recalled that piece of information at just the right time, come up with a workaround – or just known what to do (and then had to back up why it is!).
When we allow this intelligence to take the lead more often, rather than our insecure thinking) we are naturally a more grounded and confident leader.
How We Create a More Compassionate, Coaching Culture in Our Team?
When you start to operate from a more grounded place, that is not rooted in fear or insecurity, you will be surprised at the impact that it has on your team.
You will begin to notice, just how much fear is in traditional management, and you will begin to question how much fact is in that fear. I remember coaching a senior leader who was concerned that she could not delegate because ‘they wouldn’t do it properly’, that unless her team were in the office ‘they wouldn’t get the job done’ and she was worried if she trained them ‘too much’ they would simply leave and find alternative employment. Now whilst we may all have examples of where that has happened, how much truth is there in it happening in the team that you have right now?
Over several sessions we quietened her mind, and she began to listen not to her fears, but to her own common sense. She communicated with her team more effectively, she began to see the wisdom they had and began to build trust and confidence in them. She feared less that they would make mistakes or leave, and was confident in herself that she would figure this out if that happened. As a result, the whole feel of the team changed, it naturally became more compassionate, and understanding and it performed so much better as it was rooted in confidence and not fear.
Embodying Lasting Confidence as a Compassionate Leader
Understanding more about how our minds work is essential in compassionate leadership, as it is the main driver in our and our teams’ behaviour. Whilst techniques or strategies may help in the short term, having a deeper understanding of how you and your team work can be transformative.
If you would like to know more about how you can become a more authentic and compassionate leader by building lasting confidence, book a discovery call today.
