Have you ever caught yourself doing something over and over, even though you know it’s not helping, but you just can’t seem to stop? Maybe you’re endlessly scrolling on your phone, dodging that uncomfortable task or ordering takeaway again because, let’s face it, you just can’t be arsed cooking tonight.
You’re not alone. One of the most valuable insights I’ve gained from over a decade of working with clients is this:
You can’t really stop or change a behaviour until you figure out why you’re doing it in the first place.
Everything we do—even the habits that make us roll our eyes at ourselves—has a purpose. Maybe procrastination is your brain’s way of avoiding the fear of messing up, or saying yes to everything gives you a quick boost of feeling useful and needed. These behaviours aren’t ‘bad’—they’re just your mind’s clumsy way of trying to help.
But here’s what actually helps:
If you want to make a change, start by slowing down and paying attention to what’s going on when these habits crop up. Let’s use overcommitting as an example—because who hasn’t said ‘yes’ to something they absolutely didn’t have time for?
The next time you find yourself agreeing to yet another thing, take a moment and ask yourself: What’s this really about? At first, you might think: “Well, I just don’t want to let anyone down.” Fair enough. But dig a bit deeper, and you might uncover things like:
“I’m worried they’ll think I’m lazy or unhelpful if I say no.”
“I like being the go-to person—it makes me feel important.”
“If I keep myself busy, I don’t have to think about my own life.”
It’s not exactly fun to realise these things, but it’s oddly satisfying to get to the heart of it. Overcommitting isn’t just about the extra tasks; it’s often tied to deeper needs—like wanting to feel valued, avoiding guilt, or dodging your own thoughts.
Once you’ve clocked what’s really going on, you can ask yourself: Is there a better way to meet this need? For instance:
If you’re seeking approval, could you give yourself a bit of that instead of waiting for others to do it? A nice “well done, you!” goes a long way.
If it’s about keeping busy to avoid your own feelings, could you, I don’t know, actually give yourself five minutes to sit and feel them? (Tea and biscuits highly recommended for this.)
If being useful is your thing, could you focus on fewer things that actually matter, instead of trying to do everything and ending up frazzled?
It’s not about becoming a new person overnight or suddenly saying ‘no’ to everything. It’s about being a bit more curious, a bit kinder to yourself, and giving yourself permission to do things differently. Change starts with these little moments of “Oh, that’s what I’m doing.’” And honestly, even that can feel like a win.
