Isn’t remarkable how clearly we see a world of possibility and potential in others. However, when it comes to ourselves, we are not able to silence the incessant voice of our self-saboteur which reminds us of our shortcomings, fills us with doubt and eventually darkens our own vision as it takes us hostage.
The madness
A few weeks ago I found myself trapped in yet another one of these internal hostile takeovers. However, unlike in my prior hostage experiences, I held myself back from reacting to either voice and simply allowed Jeckle and Hyde to battle it out as I listened. I noticed the points they both brought forward were valid and neither had ‘outright lied’. However, after a few minutes of observing the conversation, I felt that they had reached a stalemate. Despite Hyde’s reminders of ‘past failure’, the weighting of those experiences were not significant enough to command power and control over future possibility. The more I recounted those past situations, and allowed myself to bounce between subjectivity and objectivity, the more I shifted into a deeper space of listening and began to decipher the purpose and intent behind Hyde’s incessant and overpowering message delivery.
In the past I had only heard this voice as the destroyer of dreams and the one who would add, ‘less’ after hope. I battled to recall a time when I had confidently walked into the unknown of change without having this seemingly self-sabotaging parasite take complete control. This voice had shadowed and confused me long enough that I had lost the ability to identify which belonged to Jeckle and which to Hyde.
The meaning
The language and message delivery of my saboteur always felt chaotic and condemning. However, when I stopped reacting to chaos and listened more to understanding, his message was not a plot to condemn me but to caution me. The relentless reminders about past failure were no more than highlighted points to remind me of potential pitfalls that lay ahead and what to avoid. The most enlightening aspect of this clarity was validating the ‘chaotic urgency’ in his delivery – each time I had stepped into the unknown I stumbled at the same places. The more I fell, the louder his voice became.
I began to hear a deep care behind my saboteur’s voice. He was pointing to the risks behind leaving my current safe shore and cautioning me to be careful. He was reminding me that similar unknown areas had once hurt and left me vulnerable and unsure. “I don’t want you to be hurt again, I’m trying to protect you from the pain you once felt’.
In the days that followed I heard from him more than usual. When the delivery became chaotic, I began to reason and reassure him that I was listening. The more I legitimise his voice the clearer the lessons of the past became. I’m still in the process of bringing my saboteur out from behind the shadow and into the light. When that time arrives my once most ruthless captor will no doubt become my trusted companion.
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