How to End a Friendship: Knowing When It’s Time to Move On

Not all friendships are meant to last. But it’s difficult knowing which friendships are meant to last for a season, and not for a lifetime. According to Jim Rohn, we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. And if that statistic doesn’t scare you, then it should at least send home the message that while it might be difficult to figure out which friendships are meant for the long haul, it’s absolutely essential to know which ones are which. Friendships influence us in more ways than we know, so knowing how to end a friendship and move on could be the determining factor to a lot of your happiness.

When determining whether or not to end a friendship, tons of factors come to play. Life is nuanced, people are layered, and situations are complicated. So we have put together a guide on how to know when it’s time to end a friendship and move on with your life. Hopefully this gives you some clarity when curating a friend group that brings out the best in you!

When to Know It’s Time to Phase Out a Friendship

Knowing when to phase out a friendship can be tricky, but we have compiled the obvious signs you should know when making this delicate decision. If you recognize any of these patterns in your friendship, it could be time to end the friendship for good.

The Friendship is Hot and Cold

Anyone who uses their attention and warmth as a weapon automatically have a red flag across their face. You can spot this easily by tracking if they treat you in unpredictable ways. Do you ever know what to expect when you show up? Are you a little squeamish due to your last encounter?  Do you feel yourself getting nervous, wondering if they’re going to be mad again for no reason?

This is no way to live.

This finicky behavior is typically tied to their sensitive ego. Of course not all friends are going to be baring up rainbows 24/7 – everyone has their days – but these friends are truly calculated about when they turn their charm on, and when they turn it off. If you continually find yourself receiving the cold shoulder after a short disagreement, an awkward moment, or a vulnerable talk – please know that isn’t coincidence. That is manipulation.

You’ll also find that they really kick up the affection whenever they need it – not whenever you need it.

They might signal a sweet smile and loop you into conversation whenever they feel alienated. If their typical wingman isn’t making an appearance that night, you might get the number one slot due to circumstance. And they definitely turn up the heat whenever they want to make someone else feel like the odd man out.

Bottom line; this person isn’t your friend. You are a toy to be played with, and you have zero control over how you will be treated from day to day. Instead of rolling with the punches, take control and kindly (or not kindly) see this person out. Life is too unpredictable as it is to have to additionally worry about treatment from “friends.”

The Friendship is Lop-Sided

One-sided friendships are the worst. They take up your psychic energy, drain your time, and eventually make you feel cornered. It’s nice to be needed, and it’s even better to be useful, but not at the expense of your self-care.

PSA: It’s not selfish to want to discuss your own issues or your daily happenings with a friend.

Balance is an essential function of friendship. Without it, the steam roll-ee will eventually feel bitter, resentful, and used.

Don’t freak out if your amazing friendship has suddenly shifted a bit to due to circumstance. Friendships to ebb and flow. Sometimes one of you will give more than you take. True friends adjust this balance depending on the context of life. But if this is a consistent pattern – one you can tell is not heading in a healthy direction – take caution. You do not have time in your life to manage your emotional needs AND a fellow adult’s emotional needs.

As one of my clients put it, “I can’t afford to take them on as a part time job.”

Friendships should enhance your life – not drain it.

It’s easy to feel super guilty about letting a friendship like this one in particular go. And you have to admit, part of you probably enjoys the constant attention because…

1. It validates the stability of your life (WOW I am so glad my life isn’t that much of a hot mess.
2. It helps you gain a more optimistic perspective about your own life choices (I might be an idiot but I’m not that much of an idiot!)
3. It entitles you to confidential information you might not otherwise know about (I’m the only one who knows?! I’m so freaking special!)
4. It makes you feel intelligent and needed (And she came to ME! I must be the best there is!)

I get it. Everyone likes to have their ego stroked now and again, but these friendships take a lot of work. It is an actual job to have one sided conversations constantly. So unless you want to start emailing invoices after lengthy text convos, I suggest you make a change now.

TL;DR: Never let your ego dictate your friendships.

Your friendships should not feel like a part time job, they should not feed your ego, and they should not drain your happy vibes. If you are sensing any of these being violated, let’s talk (but I am going to charge you).

You Enable the Friend’s Bad Behaviors

When you hear the term ‘codependent relationship,’ you’re probably thinking about something romantic. While it’s true that many co-dependent relationships are in fact between spouses, don’t disqualify platonic relationships from the equation.

Codependency is a relationship in which one person enables another person’s bad habits. They might cover up the behavior for them, normalize it, make excuses for it, or even encourage it to some extent. Plenty of friendships can be codependent – especially those one-sided friendships.

If you feel that you are an accessory for enabling a poor behavior in a friend, take a step back. Without your attention, what would happen? Would the behavior extinguish? Would they find someone else to be their enabler? Would they assume responsibility for their own actions and finally make a change?

Here are a few examples of co-dependent relationships just to give you a better feel:

• A friendship between an alcoholic and a party friend who supplies the beer and the bar hopping.
• A friendship between a complainer/“woe is me” type and an empathetic ear who always offers sympathy to encourage the helplessness.
• A friendship between a slacker and a doer who always finishes the project, cleans the house, or provides information so that the jobs still get done.

In each scenario, a bad behavior is being enabled instead of discouraged, because the second friend always manages to prevent whatever negative consequences the first friend should endure. We cannot confuse being a friend with being an enabler.

Friendships should exist between two adults who take care of their own responsibilities and their own emotional needs.

If one uses the other as a crutch, that isn’t a friendship. It’s co-dependency.

Again, it might feel cold and heartless to end a friendship, but you aren’t doing your codependent friend any favors by staying in this dance. In fact, you are guaranteeing that this friend will have little to no motivation to actually make a change in their lives. Why would they when they have you to fix everything for them?

You don’t have to have a good reason to end a friendship, but this is certainly up there. Release yourself from guilt and walk away before you become so entrenched in this friendship that you can’t remember life prior to double the responsibilities.

The Friend Constantly Speak Poorly of Others

Rule of thumb: If they talk shit about others, they’re talking shit about you.

Everyone gossips. It is what it is. People like talking about other people – and not always in a hurtful sense. People will always be curious. So an occasional rip on a friend or a venting session is going to be a normal occurrence in any friendship. But again, like the rest of these signs, a PATTERN of negativity and spitefulness is not a good sign. Plus there is no way it can’t be rubbing off on you in some way.

Think about it. When your friend goes into a tirade about that bitch and a half Becky, do you stay silent? No, of course not. You probably chime in just to erase the awkward silence that would definitely develop had you stayed quiet. You come up with some rude thing to say about her to contribute to the conversation. But is that really you? Do you really think Becky is that much of a bitch? What if she just has a sassy attitude and strong opinions? Is that really so bad?? (Becky call me – we would get along.)

Remember how this article started – with the super smart quote from the super smart dude. We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. So if you are spending time with someone who really isn’t nice to other people, statistics show that there’s a chance you won’t be, either.

Why take the risk?

If you really think you can stop this habit and have an honest conversation with this friend about tuning out the gossip, please do it.

It would be lovely if you could hold onto an otherwise healthy friendship. But if you know that distinguishing this behavior isn’t in the cards, think about the kind of person you want to be. Think about if you want unfair gossip circulating about you (it certainly is). Think about your own reputation. Think about the energy you are putting out into the universe. And really think about if this friendship is making you a better person.

The Friendship Doesn’t Care About Your Best Interests

This is also called being a bad influence.

There are a plethora of reasons why your friend might not have your best interest at heart. The two most common are

1) low self-esteem and,
2) the fact that misery adores company.

If your friend tries to pick fights between you and others, encourages you to go out on weeknights with complete disregard for your day tomorrow, poo-poos life events and anything you are genuinely excited about, discourages you from challenging yourself, or feels intimidated by any of your successes, this person does not have your best interest at heart.

This might be tough, I know, because at one point, there was something tying you two together. Maybe you both got dumped at the same time and could commiserate over how awful it was. Perhaps you both HATED work because your boss was a complete moron who made your lives agonizing. Or maybe you both moved to a new city right after college and took full advantage of the bar scene.

But then…you started dating again. You got a promotion. You grew out of it. Whatever shifted now makes this friend super uncomfortable, and frankly they haven’t been supportive.

Get. Out.

Again – most friendships are not meant to last. Sometimes you have no other choice but to end a friendship. I hope this isn’t coming across as too cynical, but I am pretty confident with this assessment after working with client after client in the same predicament.

A lot of friendships serve a purpose, and once that purpose expires, so does the friendship.

If it’s any consolation, these friendships weren’t built on mutual values or a deep and secure affinity for each other. They were probably loosely formed thanks to one similar commonality or pure convenience. And now, one or both of those factors doesn’t factor in anymore. No biggie.

Shedding friendships that don’t serve your best interests is one of the best things you can do for your self-esteem, motivation, and direction. If you have a game plan for life, you need people cheering you on every step of the way. And I have a feeling you’d be a great cheerleader in return. So give yourself that opportunity and phase out friendships that don’t meet your needs. It’s not selfish – it’s healthy.

Breaking Up With a Friend

Now that you’ve learned when it’s time to phase out a friendship, we have other indicators that most likely lead to ending a friendship. Breaking up with friends is never easy, but for the sake of your mental health, it’s worth it. You deserve to have fulfilling and genuine friendships. In order to have those, you need to make room for them by ending toxic friendships. Here are more clues it’s time to end a friendship:

The Negative Interactions Outnumber the Positive Ones

If you hang out with your friend on a regular basis and more times than not there is a negative interaction, it might be time to call it quits. Friendships are meant to be enjoyable, not tense or anxiety provoking. Uncomfortable moments are bound to happen with any friend, and that’s ok, but if it’s becoming a common occurrence it could just be a sign that you two simply aren’t compatible.

Jealousy and Competition Run Rampant

One-upping, tense competition, and biting jealousy could be a sign your friendship isn’t what it’s chalked up to be. If you are constantly feeling the need to prove yourself to your friend, you’re going to feel more exhaustion than comfort from your pal. Friendships are supposed to be supportive and encouraging, not polarizing and antagonistic. So if you look around and realize you and your bud are constantly comparing and competing – it could be time to exit through the gift shop.

There’s Little Contribution to Your Life

Let’s be real, if someone wants to be in your life, they’ve gotta bring something to the table. Just like your polite dinner guests never show up empty handed, (and your true favorites bring wine), your friend should be delivering some sort of enhancement to your life. Maybe she always cheers you up. Perhaps she keeps you in stitches with her quick humor. Or maybe she’s just a good listener. Whatever it is that she contributes to your life, you cherish it.

So if you seriously can’t think of much that she contributes – it could be time for one less chair at your next dinner party.

The Perceived Effort is Off Balance

One sided relationships are not fun. Nobody likes to constantly pursue someone else for their time while not feeling the same in return. So you’ve gotta ask yourself, why are you chasing somebody who won’t chase you back?

Relationships that lack balance are often an indicator that the friendship isn’t quite doing it for one or more parties involved. And, if the balance isn’t in your favor, it could really damage your self-confidence. Don’t let that happen. If someone doesn’t have enough energy to reciprocate your fabulous friendship, then stop burning up all your energy, and let it go.

You Feel Controlled or Manipulated

If for any reason during a friendship you feel like you are not being your true self – stop and reflect immediately. Why is it that you aren’t acting like your authentic self? Are there some controlling behaviors at play? Are you a highly impressionable person? Do you feel that your friend is a bit manipulative? Really think about this one. The best friendships highlight our true character and mirror back how truly unique we are – so if you aren’t reaping those benefits – or instead feel the exact opposite, seriously re-evaluate the friendship as soon as possible.

You are Guilty by Association

Be honest: is your friend a good person? If you hesitated for even a minute just then – think about how her character is reflected in yours. If you are friends with a bully, chances are the world will assume you are a bully. Or even worse, you could become accustomed to bully-like behaviors, and even adopt some yourself. Yikes! Be careful with the people you associate with, because even though friends are not carbon copies of one another, we do pick up on mannerisms of the people we highly associate with. So it’s always  helpful to be friends with people that have qualities we would be proud to emulate.

You Spend More Time Focusing on the Past Than the Present

We all have those friends that have been in our lives for years. Playdates grew into study groups that grew into happy hours and beyond – and we can’t imagine them not being in our lives.

Or can we?

If you spend most of your time holding onto the relationship because of your history, it might be time to leave the past in the past. People grow apart, and that’s normal. If we held onto every single friend we ever had in our lives we would be seriously overwhelmed. Sometimes people grow into humans that we don’t really like anymore, but we yearn for the days where we got along on the playground. But it’s not a good idea to hold onto a toxic relationship simply because you feel obligated to honor your history.

Your Self-Esteem is Negatively Affected

Period. Dot. The. End.

If ANY of these reasons contribute to your self-esteem withering away whenever you are around this friend, it is absolutely time to end the friendship. Your self esteem has enough to deal with! We have to maintain our grades, our jobs, our apartments, our relationships, and all the while we are fighting off self doubt every step of the way. Friends are supposed to be our cheerleaders, our support systems, our buds. If for any reason a friend DOES NOT contribute to your overall confidence, then it’s really not a friendship at all.

Identifying Bad Friends

Now that we have gone over certain situations on when to end a friendship, it’s time to focus on the particular types of friends you should be on the lookout for. If you recognize one of these bad friends as one of your own, it could be time to end the friendship in order to keep your friendships strong and healthy.

The Convenient Bad Friend

This is the friend you have whose friendship is completely on their terms. You probably only see them when it’s convenient for them. It’s not that they don’t like you, they just don’t hold you to the same level as you hold them. These are the people who will typically call you when they are super bored on a Monday night and no one will go out. Or, even worse, will call when they need a ride to the airport last minute. And you can definitely count on the fact that you will not hear from them if their normal crew is around. It doesn’t bother you a ton, but enough to realize that you aren’t a priority…and occasionally it gets to you.

No worries. It’s not personal. It really isn’t. But, in order to not feel broken hearted every time you see an Instagram shot sans you on Friday night, you simply have to reassess your friend prioritization…because any time you call them to do something you really want to do, you can expect a good ole *I’m sick* *cough, cough.*

The Negative Bad Friend

This one is difficult. You really like this girl. She’s there for you all the time, she genuinely cares what you have to say. Overall she seems like a good influence.

Except for one tiny thing.

She never has anything positive to say. You’ve even talked to her about it! You try to bring up the bright side, explain to her that “thoughts are things,” and distract her from all the negative observations she tends to notice. But, ugh. It still won’t stop. And now, you are being a bit negative. Uh oh.

Being negative isn’t a crime. Your friend doesn’t deserve to be shunned from the world. But, she might not deserve all of the quality time you’re putting in, because unfortunately, she’s influencing your way of thinking. Anyone’s life has the ability to look really awful or really awesome, it’s just a matter of perspective. And if you want to see your life with rosy tinted glasses, then it’s probably best to surround yourself with other people who drink the happy kool-aid.

The Super Lazy Bad Friend

These friends can be really fun. They always are down to go out, hang out, or chill out. In fact they are pretty much down to do anything except work. And as much as we love this friend, we have to recognize that they might not be challenging us as much as we need. Don’t get us wrong, it’s not their job to get our butts moving, but sometimes they can rub off on us in ways we don’t want.

Success breeds success, and if we constantly surround ourselves with people who really don’t feel like pushing themselves to do anything other than drink beer every night of the week, then the chances of us pushing ourselves to do anything else plummets. This doesn’t mean you have to completely cut them out, but be aware of the influence they may have on you. It’s important to focus on what you need to get done, and then cut loose and relax. As long as these friends can respect your need to werk it, you guys should be good.

The One Upping Bad Friend

Blah. This person just CANNOT deal with the fact that you might have something wonderful going on in your life! So, in order to support you, she just has to share something even BETTER about her wonderful existence. It’s a shame really, because she has the most hilarious sense of humor and can really bring light into a dark situation. But friends need to support each other and have a give and take.

As annoying as this habit is, it typically comes from a girl dealing with low self esteem. If this person means a lot to you, be honest with her. Tell her that this behavior comes across as if she’s not happy for you. And then desperately try to build her up when it’s her turn to shine. If the behavior still continues, just remember that it’s best to surround yourself with people where you feel loved, accepted, and supported.

The Needy Bad Friend

Chances are, you only hear from this girl whenever a crisis is happening. They hardly ever check in when everything is good and well—they only need you when shit is about to hit the fan.

It can be flattering, sometimes. You are a great mediator and an even better listener, so you can offer good advice and help her feel better about the little mess she has created for herself. You give her the time and attention she needs to heal, and you even let yourself get excited that maybe this catastrophe has given new life to your stale friendship.

But then, she’s gone. And you have to wait another six months until she comes back again. So, you have two choices. Be there for her when she needs it but don’t expect anything in return, or stop enabling the behavior by telling her to seek out someone else. (We know of some people who could help…)

The Mean Bad Friend

Now, she’s not a bully to you. No way. She’s super nice to you. You two hang out all the time and get along famously. In fact, you actually didn’t even know she was a mean girl for a while. Sure, your other friends mentioned a few times that they didn’t LOVE her, but she has a strong personality. Maybe she’s just not everybody’s cup of tea. It wasn’t until recently that you started to notice, dang, she really isn’t nice to other people!

Maybe she started pointing at strangers and laughing at them for their attire. Maybe she openly was rude to a friend at a house party because they wore shoes in the house accidentally. It’s even more likely that she just got comfortable enough with you to really start talking bad about some other girls in the group.

Whatever happened, it’s not good when you realize your friend is a bully. As we said earlier, It’s up to you whether or not you want to continue being friends with her, but know that 1) if she’s a bully, chances are people will think you are, too 2) you are just encouraging the behavior by giving her the positive feedback of being her friend and most of all, 3) if she does it to other people, chances are she will do it to you, too.

Do I Need New Friends?

We opened up a Q+A for our Blush community to ask us whatever question they wanted. Not surprisingly, we received an abundance of letters pertaining to friendships. How to make new friends, when to end a friendship, how to find genuine friendships, how to make their friendships healthier, and how to leave behind bad friends.

We wanted to share with you this letter that perfectly captures when it’s time to make new friends:

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Dear Blush, 

At the moment, I’ve been wondering whether my friends are the best friends for me. I have heard them talking about me behind my back and when I have asked them if they are free, they say no but then I find out a couple of them are hanging out together. I feel like I am always chasing them to catch up and they just ignore me. It gets so frustrating!

Also, we were buying tickets to go to Shawn Mendes and I don’t know him that well but I like his music. Anyway, we were getting pre-sale tickets and you can only get a maximum of 4 tickets at once so we had to split up but they kept on saying to me, “Are you sure you want to go? Because you said you don’t like him.” But I do!!! I really like my friends but these past few weeks they have really changed. I don’t know whether I have done something to upset them but I don’t want to ask. I already ask heaps if they’re free and it’s just getting so frustrating because they say they’re not free but they’re at home watching Netflix. That means I can’t go out and do the stuff I want because I don’t have anyone to do it with. Also if I left our friendship group, I don’t know who I would go to. Please help me. I don’t know whether to wait it out a bit longer and see if it clears up because they are really great most of the time and it’s really fun when we actually do catch up.

Do I need New Friends? -Australia

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Hi, Australia!

We have some good news and bad news for you. 

The bad news: These girls are not your friends.

The good news: It can only get better from here.

Chasing after affection, attention, respect, admiration, or anything of the like is exhausting. It sounds like you have been giving it your ALL to appease and acquiesce your “friends” with hardly any response back (to your face) other than a “are you really sure you want to come?” If you have done something to bother them, I would hope that real friends would have the courtesy to notify you. And if these girls were actually your friends, I would hope you would have the courage to ask. But since neither is happening, I find it hard to believe that these relationships are in fact friendships.

I understand how daunting it can feel to leave behind a “comfort” zone (I use quotations considering this zone is about as comfortable as a lion’s den) and branch out to find new relationships. I suggest you have an open and honest conversation about your observations over the past few weeks. There is a *slim* chance this could have been a misunderstanding. There is a slight chance that you did something to upset these girls. There is a profound chance that this group abides by clique rules and it’s not any fun unless someone feels left out. But at least giving them the option to defend their behavior and offer an explanation could clear the air. And it can give you practice on proper confrontation and communication skills.

Walking away without confrontation will only leave unanswered questions swirling through your mind and the lack of verbal evidence will clearly impact your willingness to stay. It doesn’t matter how old you are – losing a group of friends is devastating, even if they mistreated you. You girls obviously shared some fun memories and at one point in time got along rather well. There’s a reason you gravitated towards them in the first place. So if you want to turn lemons into lemonade, bookmark those attractive qualities and let them guide you in your search for new friends. But also take heed of the reason(s) it feel apart: the avoidance, the game playing, the passive aggression….ew. No thank you. These tactics deserve no place in friendships and should be called out religiously.

Speaking of…standing up for yourself is a habit that I would like for you to implement into your life today. It’s true that not everybody is going to want to be your best friend, that’s just how life goes. One of my favorite quotes in the WORLD is by Dita Von Teese: “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” No matter how fabulous or entertaining you might be, you’re not going to click with everyone. But this does not excuse poor behavior from others, and this does not excuse your responsibility to stand up for yourself.

If you cannot be honest about your feelings in a relationship, then the relationship is mimicking more of an acquaintance than an actual friendship. A cornerstone of true connection is the ability to have difficult conversations. And this goes for ALL of your relationships. If you find this to be a pattern in your life, we’d love to help you work through it. If this lack of communication is an anomaly circling this one particular friendship group, then you already have your answer.

What that being said, it seems like one of two things are preventing you from speaking up: a) you are assuming you already know the end result of the conversation and don’t want to endure it or b) You don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable, or easier said, putting yourself out there out of fear they will reject you.

If it’s the former, then it’s up to you whether you want to have the conversation or not. I usually stand in favor of practicing assertive communication, so I would encourage you to rip the bandaid off and give it a whirl. The worst that can happen is you have final closure that it’s time to move on. If it’s the latter, then this isn’t about THEM not being good friends to YOU, it’s about YOU understanding that this isn’t a good match. Friendships rely on authenticity within each party. If you can’t be yourself around your friends, then what’s the point?

Overall, the fickle tendency of this clique drives me to side with the inevitability that this friendship group is not worth saving. There’s no reason to believe this pattern won’t continue in the future, and I think everyone deserves friendships that encourage feelings of self-confidence, love, respect, and happiness. So even if this is a big giant misunderstanding – the coping mechanisms being employed right now make me incredibly dubious that this dynamic would ever be healthy.

Another thing I noticed you are worried about is pursuing fun activities by yourself. I would love for you to try as hard as you can to get over that fear.

Being alone is not the same as being lonely. I understand that all of us want companionship, but a great way to meet friends is by actually going out into the world solo. Think about the things that you’d like to do but “can’t” without this group. You can go to concerts by yourself. You can go to the movies by yourself. You can volunteer by yourself. In fact you can seriously do anything by yourself – but it takes courage and it takes confidence. However, it can also lead you to friendships that already have a strong commonality: hobbies! If you are bold enough to be alone, you are bold enough to attract friendships that VALUE you. And that’s really what you’re looking for, after all.

Never wait for others to give you permission to do what you love. You deserve to pursue entertaining experiences whether or not this group wants to come along or not (which by the way it doesn’t seem like they have been accompanying you anyway so you might as well go for it).

I know this sucks, but again, there was some good news. Think about all of the headspace you will save by not fixating on whether or not you’ll have plans for this Friday night. You won’t obsess over the rude comments being made behind your back and you won’t wonder how you are going to cope with the disappointment of being left out again. Your energy can be focused on ANYTHING else. Yes, the initial amount of space in the beginning might be terrifying, but I promise you’ll fill it up quickly. There are too many events, books, people, and places to justify feeling lonely against your will. You just have to give yourself the opportunity to pursue a new life. And by letting go of these friendships, that is exactly what you’ll be doing.

Australia, we hope this helps your predicament and gives you the energy to fight for your confidence. We are here for you if you need more help navigating this clique and finding people who bring out the light in you. We wish you the absolute best.