Why is often the first question to come to mind
But that doesn’t mean it’s the most useful. Far from it! That smallest of questions can cause the biggest of problems, turning an enquiry into an interrogation. Let me illustrate with a case study.
The case of the missing report
My Coaching and Mentoring client faced a dilemma with one of her team members. Joe, usually a star performer, hadn’t delivered his report on time. With her own deadline looming and no sign of Joe or his report, she called him into her office to get to the bottom of things.
The explosive employee
She said when she asked Joe why he hadn’t submitted his report, he’d ‘exploded’. Now, while the mental image of Joe exploding was mildly amusing to me, I was more interested in what had triggered such a reaction.
Frustration breeds friction
It turns out my client was already irritated before Joe even stepped into her office. Joe’s delayed report meant she’d be in a mad rush to finish her own work. When Joe finally sat down, she wasted no time and blurted out, “Joe, why didn’t you get your report to me on time?”
Seems like a fair question, right? My client certainly thought so. But Joe’s response was… well, let’s just say it was anything but what she expected.
Joe unleashed a tirade:
“Because I’ve been off sick for three days! My computer crashed in the middle of doing the report! And by the time IT fixed it, I’d lost all my work and had to start all over again!”
My client said, “He was so venomous, I was speechless!” After a few moments of stunned silence, she tried to regain her composure, only to ask him—wait for it—why he was overreacting!
Why ‘Why’ is a such a mischief maker
There’s something about that word ‘why’ that can really get up people’s noses. Instead of explaining this to my client, I decided to give her a direct experience. Using the same accusing tone, I asked, “Why were you speechless?”
As expected, she fired back, “Why? Because he hadn’t met the deadline, and then he shouted at me like I was the problem!” Her voice was rising, and I couldn’t help but point out, “What, like you’re doing to me right now?”
Realising the impact of ‘Why’
Once again, she was speechless. “Notice how you feel right now,” I said. “And notice what happened inside you when I asked you why you were speechless.”
“I felt like you’d pushed me into a corner, like I had to defend or justify myself,” she admitted.
“Exactly! That’s the problem with asking ‘why.’ It often puts people on the defensive, forcing them to justify their actions rather than encouraging constructive dialogue or examining what might have gone wrong. They often shock you by ‘coming out fighting’!”
Let’s rewind a bit
“You said that Joe’s usually a ‘star performer’ and always punctual with his reports. Might the fact that he was late have been a clue that something was off? If you think about how Joe might have been feeling at the time, what other approaches come to mind?”
Other approaches
“Well, in hindsight, I should have recognised that Joe would be behind, because of his being off sick. I should have checked in with him when he got back. The fact I hadn’t done that might have made him think I didn’t care. I could have asked if he needed help, or at least let him know to come to me if he did.”
“O.K. Those are good insights. So let’s say you still didn’t do any of those things. How could you perhaps have asked questions which would have maintained the relationship you had with Joe?”
“I could have realised that Joe would have been upset at not being able to get his report in on time. Maybe I could have asked him what led him to not getting his report done—and lost the snotty tone!”
“The power to question is the basis of all human progress.” – Indira Gandhi
“Yes, any other ideas?”
“Maybe I could have told him that I knew something must have happened for him to have missed the reporting deadline, and that I wanted to find out what it was so we could avoid it in the future?”
“Great! That’s avoiding dredging up the past. What else?”
“God, you’re a hard task master!”
“That’s right—that’s what you pay me for! In my experience most people don’t deliberately do things to upset other people—they want to do a good job. They make mistakes and learn from them. It’s only with the benefit of hindsight that anyone can re-evaluate something that’s gone awry. Surely if someone has made a genuine mistake all you really want to know is that they’ve learned something, which means they won’t make the same mistake again?”
“O.K. I could ask Joe what he learned and what he’s going to change in the future?”
“Good, what else?”
“What about if I choose some of the other question words like how, what, who, when, where? How can we make sure it’s on time in future?”
“You’re having some great insights about this. Any other things you can think of?”
“Yes, I should make sure I’m in the right frame of mind to address the issue in a positive way. Being calm and perhaps curious rather than uptight and stressed.
“Excellent! So now it sounds like you’ve got lots of new options for dealing with this, and perhaps other challenges in the future. So what’s the next step you’re going to take in this respect?”
“As soon as I get back to work I’m going to invite Joe for a coffee and apologise. I want to get our relationship back on an even keel. I also want to check on his health and show him that I do really care about him as a person.
Then I’m going to do the same with each member of my team. I’ve been so caught up in my own little world; being ‘busy and important’, I feel I’ve neglected them. I really would like to avoid using that ‘why’ word as well! It’s going to take some doing though. It always comes so easily doesn’t it?”
It’s true!
WHY does seem to be the easiest of questions to ask, and sometimes it can be useful. Mostly, though one of the other questions; where, what, who, how and when, will elicit more information.
Asking yourself a question before asking others a question will often help. The question to ask yourself is, ‘What question will get the most useful response?’ Then run through some options in your own head and pick the most suitable, given the circumstances.
A smorgasbord of better questions
Together, we came up with a list of alternative questions to ‘why’—ones that could defuse tension and open up a productive dialogue:
- What led to the delay?
- How can we prevent this in the future?
- Who can help us ensure this doesn’t happen again?
- Where do you think we went wrong in the process?
- When did things start to go off track?
Final Thoughts: Turning ‘Why’ into ‘Wow’
Finally, my client had a lightbulb moment. “Actually, if I’d approached Joe more casually—maybe over a coffee rather than summoning him to my office—he might not have felt so cornered.”
“A prudent question is one half of wisdom.” – Francis Bacon
With a new set of tools in her kit, my client was ready to turn those ‘why’ moments into ‘wow’ moments of insight and understanding. And who knows? Maybe Joe will start seeing her office as a place for collaboration rather than confrontation.
Key points
- The question ‘why?’ often produces a defensive response, especially if delivered in an accusatory tone.
- Defensive responses give you little information that’s useful; only a justification of what happened, plus excuses and blaming.
- Try rephrasing your question using how, what, when, where, who.
- Soften your tone as you ask a question.
- Think through a situation before asking questions to determine what ‘might’ be going on for the other person.
- If you’re stressed, it’s easy to project that onto others. A calm, curious approach will get you much better results
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Tags: Communication skills, Language, Problem solving, Self-awareness, work and career
