Narcissists hijack regular relationship dynamics. Here is a mathematical explanation of how they do so.
Imagine any person has some units of energy they can dedicate to any activity. Let’s say that, at any given time, they have three available. Let’s symbolise them as an « E », for Energy.
When we start some activities, they will require some attention to get started, and may require one or two units of energy. So we invest E or EE and, once we get somewhat proficient, we get back E or EE. For instance, playing sports with friends requires E or EE (unless we aim to be professional, in which case we probably need to invest EEE). And as we get better, every time we play, we get back E or EE, which we can reinvest elsewhere.
So imagine you’re living your life, investing Es on work, friends, family, sports and hobbies, and things are overall going rather well. You invest all three Es during the course of any week, and receive E, EE or EEE in return. So you’re operating at a pleasant energy level (ideally at least EE, if our energy level is always low, it won’t be sustainable).
Now imagine you meet someone. You start spending time together, so you invest one unit of E, and they do too. You enjoy each other’s company more and more, you both start investing EE (making for a total of EEEE, your two and their two). The relationship gets going and you then both fluctuate between investing one, two or even three units each (probably one during the week and maybe three on weekends or holidays). The relationship sometimes requires more attention, sometimes one person invests more and nudges the other to invest a bit more to nurture the relationship. So far, so good.
But imagine you need a « narcissist », someone with narcissist personality disorder. What happens then?
At first, you’ll invest E, as normal, as you get to know the person. But instead of investing one unit (E), they will invest 3 (EEE) upfront.
Wow! That seems a bit intense. It must mean that they really like you. Right? After all, that’s what they tell you. « You are amazing. I’ve been waiting for you all my life. This is a dream. I love ALL these things about you! »
With someone investing 3 units (EEE), you can’t really just invest one (E). That is not balanced.
So maybe you go all in, despite a weird lingering feeling, and invest 2 then 3 units.
Wow! Now the relationship is being nurtured by 5 or 6 units! Amazing! Isn’t this what a relationship should be like?
Sure, your work is suffering. You spend less time with your friends. You neglect to see your family. But it is so good! It makes perfect sense. And when you’re not doing this, you miss it.
And the person points out that, when you give anyone else any unit of E, you are not giving that unit to them.
Then you notice something weird: you’re giving EEE, but the relationship seems to be running out of steam. Maybe the total is 5 Es. Or 4 Es. You notice they are not longer giving 3. You try to bring this up. « Oh, but that’s your fault », they say. You said something. Or didn’t. Or did something. Or didn’t do something. Or thought something. Or didn’t think something.
Good grief! You want to go back to 5Es or 6Es. As that felt so good! So you try to give 4 Es. You don’t have 4 to give, but you try. And, for sure, you give all three you have.
You get further and further away from you friends and family. Your work suffers. You don’t get that promotion. Any tough times that happen, you get no support. You are not getting anything back from the relationship, so instead of replenishing, your reserve of energy dwindles.
And they blame you for not giving 3 Es when you don’t have three to give.
And they suddenly mention someone else. Your alert system gets triggered. « Why is this person mentioning a colleague all of a sudden? It’s out of pattern. » And now they accuse you of being paranoid. Or jealous.
Your energy keeps dropping, you’re no longer getting energy from the sport you no longer do, the friends you no longer see, and when you see your family, you’re dragging the mood down.
And, at one point, they break up. Or need time. Or make sure you find out they’ve been cheating. Or they cause a conflict, and blame you for reacting. Or for not reacting.
And then, devastated, dumped, you try to make sense of what happened. What did you do to cause this chain of events? Everything was going so well, what went wrong?
Don’t worry, it’s quite straightforward: they hacked your mind. Here’s how.
Healthy relationships are based on reciprocity. I give you a bit, you give me a bit, as we get comfortable and increase trust, we give more as we realise we’re both reliable. This is illustrated by gradually increasing the Es that are shared and keeping it sustainable. Because, of course, if we care about someone, we want them to have a balanced life, recognising that friends, family, work, sport, hobbies are all important for someone to be happy – frustrating as it might be sometimes. And, we too want a balanced life for ourselves.
But narcissists go all in, fast. They give too much. But flatter us. Part of us wants to believe that we deserve this. That we are amazing. Because part of us wants to be adored. Even though we know full well that a hinged person with a balanced life does not have 3 Es available at any point in time to throw onto some random person.
Yes, that’s right – you were (and I was) just some random person, a random sucker who was vulnerable to their tricks. There actually was nothing personal. All the stuff they told you? They’ve have told someone else something similar, but a bit different. And it probably would have worked.
So they give you too much, too soon. They seem too eager. This is a test. Either you run away, recommend they see a therapist, or you buy into their scam. The moment you buy in, you feel obligated towards them. And, in case that is not clear enough for you, they will make sure you understand what they expect from you.
Once you go all in, they are receiving your Es (which is their goal). And they know that, if they give 3, you might give 3, or 2, or – heaven forbid – only 1. But if they give less, you are likely to give more.
If they goal is to collect as many Es with as little effort as possible, why wouldn’t they stop giving them altogether? This reminds me of the (sad) joke: if you see your grandmother so she gives you money, so going to see her. That way she will give you more money.
Sad, but common.
So they operate in a system where the goal is NOT to invest sustainably on the relationship, the goal is to extract as many Es as possible for the minimum investment.
It’s possible that, during the love bombing phase, things seemed great BUT you never seemed to be able to enjoy things, that something felt a bit off. That would be your gut feeling telling you « be careful, this is fake, this does not add up, you’re being scammed ».
Every person I know who got scammed, by a narcissist or a cult or any other organisation, told me they had this sinking feeling that something was off, but chose to ignore that feeling.
Remember, if things feel as though they are going to fast, they probably are. If the other person has an issue with slowing down a bit, note that. What matters is that you’re moving sustainably in the right direction, that you’re matching each other’s energy.
And if one person’s energy drops, don’t panic « compensate » for that. You have limited energy you can invest in a relationship. Make sure it stays sustainable. In other words, you need to get back at least part of what you invest. Your investment should not be detrimental to the rest of your life.
If you’re getting nothing back, if it’s a drain, if you’re neglecting other aspects of your life, I’d suggest regrounding yourself. Get back into sports (at least the minimum). See friends (why not for sports). Do something nice for your family. Focus enough on work. And see what happens.
If the other person loses interest when you’re leading your best life, maybe they see your life as competition for your attention. Or maybe they want you to fail.
Remember, narcissists view your energy as theirs and they will be upset if any energy is expended on anything other than them.
Try to track how the energy flows simply using Es, or coins. Do so WITHOUT speaking to them. The goal is NOT to find common ground, it’s to help YOU assess what you’re seeing, and decide if it’s a healthy dynamic that requires a bit of tweaking. Or a toxic dynamic and requires you getting the hell out!
